Quiet As A church Mouse

So I’ve been quiet lately because of life. You know, that silly thing that gets between one and the internet? It’s pretty much everything at once one right after the other lately.

I’m still playing around with labels. Though I am going to stick with demi girl for the most part. but labels are a way of talking to others about things. We label them so we can understand.

But at the same time, labels are kind of useless here. I’m non-binary, and for me, that’s a big mess at the moment. But it’s also an experience so deeply personal, that I can only hope to come up with words for a fraction of it. And even then, it’s a roll of the dice on whither or not I’ll confuse someone so thoroughly that I scare the stuffing out of them.

Because, believe it or not, I’m one scary bitch. And not cause I can whoop the stuffing out of someone either. For all that’s holy, I’m lucky to be able to walk in a somewhat straight line, and I’m constantly using a cane to make sure I’m upright. It’s not that kind of scary. It’s the kind that disturbs people’s sense of reality. That tidy little picture in their heads of what is real and what’s not.

When I can walk up and read a situation or an action or a person like snapping my fingers… Well, I’ve gotten myself in trouble more than often enough for most. It creeps people out.

But it’s not just that. It’s the way I fake eye contact. Or the way I hold it with the strangest stare. The way I walk and talk, keeping my steps measured and my bubble of personal space in check. It’s the collar I wear, and it’s the way I dye my hair. I’m just different. I’m different because I walk barefoot, barefoot where angels fear to tread.

But at the same time I’m the opposite of what they are expecting. With the collar and the piercings, I’m mistaken for a hoodlum or something. But I’m nice, kind, caring, and intense. And it’s the intensity that can get to people the quickest.

It gets to them because I’m brutally honest and brutally loyal. Something you don’t expect from my appearance. I’m polite and kind and it throws people off balance. It’s like walking softly and carrying a big stick I guess. They expect one thing, but get broadsided by another that’s quite contradictory.

I’m trans, non binary, I’m autistic, I’m a primal, I’m a furry, I’m a priestess, a shaman, then a wife and daughter…. I’m so many things that I almost lost who I was to make others comfortable.

But what really changed my life around, were the friends that I’ve gained since opening up. I have friends and they care about my opinion. And they don’t mind me being strange. They don’t mind me being me…

How Transphobia Really Affects Us!

this past saturday, i went to a presentation on kink scene ettiquite and such. you know, how to be polite, how to be safe, and how to make sure everyone gets what they want out of a scene. and it wasn’t that bad.

now a few points here and there messed with my head. some talk about things like rough body play and all that. but of course i kind of know how to handle these kinds of things. if i come across a scene that i am not comfortable with, i can check with the dungeon monitor if it pleases me, and then move on. you know, the whole don’t watch it if i don’t want to see it. 

but the talk was extremly informative, so i pressed on and learned all i could. 

now the kink group hosting it was pretty cool, or so i thought. they even invited me to go to the munch they had arranged afterwards. 

and really, i went thinking nothing of it. it so happens that it was at a restraunt near the columbia mall, a place i was fairly comfortable with, so of course i chimmed in that i would love to go. 

on getting there, they made a comment about my feet being bare, but that was about it. then i get my drink and food, and basically get misgendered the whole time, and they were pretty rude about it too. 

but the cream of the crop was when the manager didn’t say a thing untill i was in the bathroom. she camped right at the door and made sure no one else entered. then, before i could wash my hands. she went and confronted me about my shoes. in the bathroom of all bloody places. 

i had a panic attack, and a ptsd flashback, a bad one. which had me totaly unhinged, and then of course got bad enough that i fled into the parking lot where i passed out inbetween a couple of cars.

it’s now two days later, and i am still shaking from it. i am still fucked up in the head from being cornered in the bathroom. being forced to become helpless again. and knowing the police didn’t even do anything about it. 

i’m probably going to be shaking for a few more days because of this crap. and i don’t even want to go outside right now. i’m fearing things i shouldn’t. 

Getting Used To Fibro

so i’ve been diagnosed, now what?

well, for me, it’s been getting it through my head that i am not going to be able to get rid of these symptoms for the rest of my life. one way or another, for the time being, it’s completely incurable. so i have to of course adjust things to try to get used to living with this invisible beast.

and it’s not easy, not in the least. as of right now, i know for a fact i can barely hold down a job of any kind. it irritates the hell out of me when i feel i should be able to get something, but find myself hitting my limits at every turn. and to get better, it means i have to get worse for the time being.

that getting better means pushing myself to the limits i have with physical activity, means i am going to be working on this for a long time… as of right now a 30 minute walk is enough to take the wind out of me. and if the sun is out, well, i’m a gonner. and that’s only the beginning of the physical side of things.

but what is the worst for me lately, would be the brain fog. it can take forever to get a sentence out, and sometimes it comes out wrong no matter how bad i try to get it right. that along with problems with names faces and such…well it’s a disaster in the making. there is a reason i was never good at public speaking. and my problems are at the top of the list.

and the worst part is that i will have to worry about other conditions developing, and how my meds might interact with this or that. how i might have to go to the er on a regular basis, and how i might have to spend more time trying to do anything about this.

to find out my family has a history of autoimmune diseases, well, it was also a shock. i really didn’t see it coming. i thought i might be the only one in on this. but no, there isn’t just a history of this in the family, it’s probably on both sides, and it’s a long one. one i don’t want to have to deal with. i would like to know, how does one know what they have, when half the conditions i could have overlap?

this is now my life, for better or worse, no matter what i think or want. and i will have to deal with it one day at a time. but there is always research going on, even if it isn’t the best right now. even if it’s a long way out. maybe someone can do something for me too.

but i guess for me, this is just a fact of life.

 

Just A Bikini Top

the other day i finaly got out in a bikini top, with nothing covering it up. and it’s not like it’s inconspicuous. it’s bright pink for crying out loud. but i did it, and i am proud of myself.

it’s a part of being trans that no one thinks about. the struggles of wearing the right clothes and not getting yelled at for it. immagine for a moment, that you were to wear something your gender normally wears. be it a bikini, or a well tailored suit, whatever.

but when you go out of the house that day in what you assumed was an alright thing to wear, everyone was staring at you. that’s right everyone. and when you passed close enough to hear, someone would be whispering just loud enough for you to hear.

what are they thinking? what did they do that for? eww why are they wearing that, it’s disgusting? such a pervert?

oh yeah, and the statements right up there above this paragraph? that’s the least of what you hear. i don’t even think i could type out some of the things i have heard. either because it was too nasty, or because i have blocked it out. and those would be the comments where you heard them, but they were not willing to directly confront you. yeah, it gets worse from there.

so think about how you would feel, if you had to go to the appropriate bathroom, and worry about getting beat up, assaulted, raped. but you didn’t have a choice, because using the other bathroom could result in the same. and imagine that everything in your closet was going to “upset” someone, or have them at the very least making some rather rude or disturbing comments.

but it gets so much worse from there. this is only the tip of the iceberg. this is where it starts. this is when you have a place to live, and money to spend on clothes.  imagine if you were homeless and trans.

i might live in a safe area, i might be in a place where it’s not too bad. i might not have to worry about my safety as much as others. but what about for those who do have to worry, what about them? what if you were in our shoes?

The Startling Conclusion.

I’ve finally gotten somewhere. Hell, I’ve even got some new meds that might help me sleep for once. And so far, they might be working!

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Yes, one night with this little white pill and I’m already feeling ever so slightly better. But of course some of it might be the fact that I’m just happy to have someone not telling me there is nothing wrong with me.

Yes I’ve been diagnosed with something. It’s called fibromyalgia, and let me tell you, it sucks in ways I can’t even imagine, let alone expect those without it to understand. But that’s what I’ve been doing. Expecting others to understand. And they don’t want to!

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I’ve had doctors tell me I’m just looking for meds and that I’m just looking for attention. Or that I’m just not sick enough.

But I go in on Monday, talk to a doctor in rheumatology, and get a diag and a prescription that day.

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I should be happy right?

Well, I had a severe anxiety attack and almost passed out in the bathroom. Then had my blood pressure checked, a few notes made, then got sent down to the er. Where they ran tests and such before sending me home. After having sat there for 7+hours.

Blood tests, x rays (for which the doctor was not informed I could barely keep myself upright), urine sample. You know, all the basics.

But hell, I decided to do my own research too. And what I found is astonishing. After hitting 2 lists, I’m missing several from some other diseases, but I hit nearly every one on the list for fibro! And have fibro meds that work.

I truly am amazed that I’ve finally got a description for my issues and a name for the beast that has been trying to beat me into the ground. It’s real, and not something I’ve made up for no reason.

Trust me, these are things I would ever want to fake. This is miserable.

Today I Walked Two Miles.

Yesterday I went out to historic ellicott city. And had a grand time walking around the different stores and such. Probably walked a good mile at least there. Up and down both sides of the street.

I even found this little place…

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Yup, cobblestone. I love the surface because everything is uneven, but smooth. And it really massages your feet for you too! Gotta love it!

As I said. I’ll sure be back there again, no doubt.

Then today, I somehow got it in my head to walk even further. I picked out a 7 11 nearby, and went for it. Turns out my body freaked out right before I got there, but I made it into the cool store barefoot! Yay, one mile down. Bought a few cans of Arizona tea, and headed back out after I caught my breath.

The second half wasn’t pleasant though. My body was just done, so I went from shadow to shadow as I walked along. Dinking one of my drinks as I walked. Bout hallway though I had to switch to my xeroshoes. There wasn’t a choice as my feet refused to take any more abuse.

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Not even so much dirty as they are beat up and sore.

But I made it. I haven’t done 2 miles in a day like this in forever. Of course I might have knocked myself out of commission for tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes!

Yay! 2 miles!

My First Pair Of Xeroshoes…

today, my first pair of zero shoes came in. i ordered a pair of pink ventures, and a pair of the diy kit, but without the extra hardware that the premades come with. 

 

and i have to say that they will do. they will certainly do. after of course i manage to get the tensions right on them and have them where they don’t dig into my skin the wrong way. but they are customizable, and i have already managed to get one of them set up right. it’s great that they can be adjusted soo easily, and if my love decides she doesn’t want to use the diy kit i got, then i’ll set those up in another lacing style for experimentation. 

but i’m loving how thin and light they are. sure, they aren’t all that much difference in weight from a pair of cheap flipflops, but really, they do feel sturdy to me, and they fit in my slingpack really well. though i might need to get a bigger pack some time if i can find one the right size.

they also leave my feet open, so i don’t really have the feeling of my feet being suffocated, which is certainly a good thing i would like to think. they are also thin enough that not only can my foot flex as if i wasn’t wearing a thing, but i can still feel a little bit of the larger details under my feet when i am walking. things like some of the larger stones are certainly noticeable. but they are far from painful like they would be without. and i have even tested them on some uncomfortably warm pavement, and would like to say that is one situation where i actualy wouldn’t mind wearing them. 

i’ve been on hot pavement barefoot in 100 degree plus weather, barefoot of course. it wasn’t what i would call fun at all. but it’s sure to raise some attention as you can’t ignore the burning sensation at all. luckily i have yet to get any blisters from my explorations. 

but i’ll probably look into decorating them, and then look at modifying them as i see fit. or if my sweets ends up not using the diy kit for herself, maybe i’ll look into aome experimentation with them to see what else i can do with them.