So I’ve been quiet lately because of life. You know, that silly thing that gets between one and the internet? It’s pretty much everything at once one right after the other lately.
I’m still playing around with labels. Though I am going to stick with demi girl for the most part. but labels are a way of talking to others about things. We label them so we can understand.
But at the same time, labels are kind of useless here. I’m non-binary, and for me, that’s a big mess at the moment. But it’s also an experience so deeply personal, that I can only hope to come up with words for a fraction of it. And even then, it’s a roll of the dice on whither or not I’ll confuse someone so thoroughly that I scare the stuffing out of them.
Because, believe it or not, I’m one scary bitch. And not cause I can whoop the stuffing out of someone either. For all that’s holy, I’m lucky to be able to walk in a somewhat straight line, and I’m constantly using a cane to make sure I’m upright. It’s not that kind of scary. It’s the kind that disturbs people’s sense of reality. That tidy little picture in their heads of what is real and what’s not.
When I can walk up and read a situation or an action or a person like snapping my fingers… Well, I’ve gotten myself in trouble more than often enough for most. It creeps people out.
But it’s not just that. It’s the way I fake eye contact. Or the way I hold it with the strangest stare. The way I walk and talk, keeping my steps measured and my bubble of personal space in check. It’s the collar I wear, and it’s the way I dye my hair. I’m just different. I’m different because I walk barefoot, barefoot where angels fear to tread.
But at the same time I’m the opposite of what they are expecting. With the collar and the piercings, I’m mistaken for a hoodlum or something. But I’m nice, kind, caring, and intense. And it’s the intensity that can get to people the quickest.
It gets to them because I’m brutally honest and brutally loyal. Something you don’t expect from my appearance. I’m polite and kind and it throws people off balance. It’s like walking softly and carrying a big stick I guess. They expect one thing, but get broadsided by another that’s quite contradictory.
I’m trans, non binary, I’m autistic, I’m a primal, I’m a furry, I’m a priestess, a shaman, then a wife and daughter…. I’m so many things that I almost lost who I was to make others comfortable.
But what really changed my life around, were the friends that I’ve gained since opening up. I have friends and they care about my opinion. And they don’t mind me being strange. They don’t mind me being me…