The Startling Conclusion.

I’ve finally gotten somewhere. Hell, I’ve even got some new meds that might help me sleep for once. And so far, they might be working!

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Yes, one night with this little white pill and I’m already feeling ever so slightly better. But of course some of it might be the fact that I’m just happy to have someone not telling me there is nothing wrong with me.

Yes I’ve been diagnosed with something. It’s called fibromyalgia, and let me tell you, it sucks in ways I can’t even imagine, let alone expect those without it to understand. But that’s what I’ve been doing. Expecting others to understand. And they don’t want to!

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I’ve had doctors tell me I’m just looking for meds and that I’m just looking for attention. Or that I’m just not sick enough.

But I go in on Monday, talk to a doctor in rheumatology, and get a diag and a prescription that day.

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I should be happy right?

Well, I had a severe anxiety attack and almost passed out in the bathroom. Then had my blood pressure checked, a few notes made, then got sent down to the er. Where they ran tests and such before sending me home. After having sat there for 7+hours.

Blood tests, x rays (for which the doctor was not informed I could barely keep myself upright), urine sample. You know, all the basics.

But hell, I decided to do my own research too. And what I found is astonishing. After hitting 2 lists, I’m missing several from some other diseases, but I hit nearly every one on the list for fibro! And have fibro meds that work.

I truly am amazed that I’ve finally got a description for my issues and a name for the beast that has been trying to beat me into the ground. It’s real, and not something I’ve made up for no reason.

Trust me, these are things I would ever want to fake. This is miserable.

Today I Walked Two Miles.

Yesterday I went out to historic ellicott city. And had a grand time walking around the different stores and such. Probably walked a good mile at least there. Up and down both sides of the street.

I even found this little place…

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Yup, cobblestone. I love the surface because everything is uneven, but smooth. And it really massages your feet for you too! Gotta love it!

As I said. I’ll sure be back there again, no doubt.

Then today, I somehow got it in my head to walk even further. I picked out a 7 11 nearby, and went for it. Turns out my body freaked out right before I got there, but I made it into the cool store barefoot! Yay, one mile down. Bought a few cans of Arizona tea, and headed back out after I caught my breath.

The second half wasn’t pleasant though. My body was just done, so I went from shadow to shadow as I walked along. Dinking one of my drinks as I walked. Bout hallway though I had to switch to my xeroshoes. There wasn’t a choice as my feet refused to take any more abuse.

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Not even so much dirty as they are beat up and sore.

But I made it. I haven’t done 2 miles in a day like this in forever. Of course I might have knocked myself out of commission for tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes!

Yay! 2 miles!

My First Pair Of Xeroshoes…

today, my first pair of zero shoes came in. i ordered a pair of pink ventures, and a pair of the diy kit, but without the extra hardware that the premades come with. 

 

and i have to say that they will do. they will certainly do. after of course i manage to get the tensions right on them and have them where they don’t dig into my skin the wrong way. but they are customizable, and i have already managed to get one of them set up right. it’s great that they can be adjusted soo easily, and if my love decides she doesn’t want to use the diy kit i got, then i’ll set those up in another lacing style for experimentation. 

but i’m loving how thin and light they are. sure, they aren’t all that much difference in weight from a pair of cheap flipflops, but really, they do feel sturdy to me, and they fit in my slingpack really well. though i might need to get a bigger pack some time if i can find one the right size.

they also leave my feet open, so i don’t really have the feeling of my feet being suffocated, which is certainly a good thing i would like to think. they are also thin enough that not only can my foot flex as if i wasn’t wearing a thing, but i can still feel a little bit of the larger details under my feet when i am walking. things like some of the larger stones are certainly noticeable. but they are far from painful like they would be without. and i have even tested them on some uncomfortably warm pavement, and would like to say that is one situation where i actualy wouldn’t mind wearing them. 

i’ve been on hot pavement barefoot in 100 degree plus weather, barefoot of course. it wasn’t what i would call fun at all. but it’s sure to raise some attention as you can’t ignore the burning sensation at all. luckily i have yet to get any blisters from my explorations. 

but i’ll probably look into decorating them, and then look at modifying them as i see fit. or if my sweets ends up not using the diy kit for herself, maybe i’ll look into aome experimentation with them to see what else i can do with them. 

The Religious Side Of Barefooting

i started barefooting for one reason or another. but in the end, one of the main reasons i really want to keep doing it is for my reasons that are a little more spiritual.

due to a bit of resistance, though nothing i could not work around. i have been thinking how much is too much, and how far back could i go without going counter to my beliefs.

and also, i figured i should flesh out my beliefs into writing as to clarify it into something i can use. as well as making sure i am not going beyond those beliefs into something that would be crazy instead.

first, i have to say i have thought about my beliefs, and have come to the conclusion that in regards to my spirituality, my beliefs have fallen into a couple of categories that i can look at most clearly.

those are…

as a buddhist, i look at it as something that keeps me in the moment. after all, there is nothing like a piece of gravel to pull you back into the moment with a sudden jarring notification by your body. but it is also about feeling the present moment around you and immersing yourself in a way you can’t do without shoes. i can constantly feel the ground under my feet. i have to listen to the ground and my body as i go through the world that is so rich and full of detail.

it also reminds me to take my time, and to go about my day in a sensible way. i can not rush in the same way i could before when i was wearing shoes. it means that i have to contemplate how to get around obstacles as i go about my day, and it prevents me from getting ahead of myself.

as a priestess of the goddess earth (yes, i consider myself a priestess some think it’s a little crazy, i got it. ) it means i am connected to her with my feet. i can commune with her in a way that rubber soles prevent.

and as it is, there is also grounding that connects me as well. it’s about electrons and such, but none of that matters as much as the feeling i get from running my toes through the grass as i walk out through a field. and the feeling of dirt under my feet. the roughness and the texture that most will always overlook.

simply put, it has opened my eyes in a way not much could. it has been quite the religious experience just with the way it has affected me. let alone when you factor in the whole religious side of my reasons. 

now to see, when do i have problems barefooting? there are only 3 times i have had problems, 4 if i want to count overwalking myself on tender feet. one is the sad fact of ubiquitous pavement. another is when going into stores, and the third is when i have to walk on certain kinds of gravel. 

overwalking is just a matter of pacing myself instead of trying to go the way i did with shoes. it’s just a matter of life. pavement is a matter of listening to my feet and being careful where i put them. as well as not standing still where i shouldn’t. certain kinds of gravel is the same thing. be careful and pay attention as my soles toughen up. 

the last however is something i can’t just work around so easily. and it all depends on how i badly i need to be somewhere. stores those necessary evils that i have to navigate once and a while. there’s something to be said about that line of thinking. 

so now, onto how far is too far back. obviously i can’t go back to full on shoes. the cush of them is the very thing that has driven me away from them. and their sizing is something that tears up my feet without a doubt and i have to get away from that.

most sandals are the same way. there is just too much between my feet and the ground, and they often have too much support

flip flops are just too thick and such. and squishy… ewww. there is also some minimal light evidence that they can be more dangerous than not. 

but i am looking into something that might be another way to look at this. it’s almost a philosophy with some, and i like to think i might as well give it a try. they are light and mobile enough to work.

xeroshoes, also called huaraches by some. and they might be something i can live with. it’s basically a backless glove for my feet, and it’s super thin. 4 and 5 mm for the pairs i am getting. all i have to do is figure out how often i can use them without having a fit, and how bad the disconnect is. they obviously allow my feet to move, and they allow for them to move more naturally. so i’ll have to see where i can get with them. 

the only part of it that they really fail in is that i am no longer in contact with the earth. and the fact they drown out the textures i would otherwise feel. maybe i can work around that too. maybe just maybe. but really, the only place i can usualy make contact with the earth is outside, and there i don’t need shoes. the textures on the other hand i would like to keep if i can. it’s a matter of necessity that shouldn’t be a problem. 

 

i’ve already accepted the risks, why are others so concerned…. oh yeah, lawsuits that are quite idiotic.

Ah, My First Fucked Up Body Mod

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I’m new to this, didn’t know until I looked it up. Yeah, it’s fucked. But I did remove it and get a refund.

I’ll be sure to go to a better piercer from now on. In fact, I already have one. And I’ll be using him for all my piercings in the future.

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These two are the next day at my preferred piercer. He recommended I wait to redo my septum as it’s going to have to wait for the time being too heal the damage.

But he was more than happy to gauge my ears from 14 to 10 for me, which may be as far as I go for now. Though I’m considering an 8 in a while after they heal back up.

The industrial jewelry is new, not the piercing. I might get another piece later, and I have a few more pieces slightly planned, but I’m happy with how the tunnels turned out. And yes, I’ve already had some vanilla earrings stuck through the tunnel.

Thoughts As I Walked

i was out for my walk, and i had the thought about my feet. they really are almost like hands. i can get so much detail from just walking that it still amazes me.

it’s like at the hospital, in the parking garage, where some source of heat runs under the entry to the elevator waiting area. it’s noticing the little things. the difference between warm pavement, and cool tile. there is so much information i get from my feet. and i love it, i really really love it.

i am not sure i could go back to wearing shoes, and certainly not if they weren’t zero drop and a decent material. my body doesn’t like being cooped up like that, as my feet have so much information coming in every second.

immagine if you will, putting on gloves at the start of the day. thick rigid gloves. then go about your day as you normaly would. see how much you can and cannot do. how does it feel? how frustrating and uncomfortable is it? how long did you make it before you ripped them off in frustration.

that’s how i feel nowadays. every time i have had to put on shoes it’s been frustrating and debilitating. i have no clue how i lived like that for so long. in fact, i would barely call it living nowadays. it’s more like clumsily stomping through life instead of living and enjoying it.

Nothing Like A Light Skirt On A Summer Day!

i really should see if my love would follow me around and take some pictures of me outside barefoot. i don’t really do it all that much, and would love to get some up. though she wouldn’t be willing to put herself up on the site at all, which means i have to be careful about it.

but today i also went for a walk down the road to the chick-fil-a. it wasn’t really a big walk, but when you’re body is convinced that it doesn’t want to move, and you expose it to 90+ temperatures, well it happens to be a problem for me. i have heat intolerance, so it ended up being me dragging myself inside by the end of my little walk.

but regardless, i did it, and maybe i can keep it up and get more walking done another time.

but i loved the fact i could walk down the street in my pretty black skirt. there is nothing greater at the moment that feeling it swish back and forth around my legs, and getting that little bit of a cool breeze up it to cool me off. yeah, it’s probably not the first time i have experienced this in a skirt, but it was the first time i was able to pay attention to it.

i have gone out in skirts before, and have enjoyed it, but there was always a level of tension. Beltsville and pg county weren’t the nicest places to be for a girl like me. i am so happy to get out of there and live right by Howard and Baltimore county. it makes it soo much easier to get around to where i need to be, and at the same time, i can feel safe walking down the street without getting attacked.

in fact, the only worries i had were worries that any girl would have walking down the side of the street, and a few back streets, alone. in a year or so, you are as good as girlified when it comes to how the body reacts, and i have to keep that in mind. i no longer have the strength and weight to throw around the way i used to. i’m even looking into getting some self defense classes to be able to re familiarize myself with this body so that i am not shit out of luck if something happens.

i am aware that trans people are a very targeted class when it comes to attacks, and other violence. but at least i’m in a safe place for now, and i can honestly say i wouldn’t move again without a fair bit of thought put into the matter.