How Transphobia Really Affects Us!

this past saturday, i went to a presentation on kink scene ettiquite and such. you know, how to be polite, how to be safe, and how to make sure everyone gets what they want out of a scene. and it wasn’t that bad.

now a few points here and there messed with my head. some talk about things like rough body play and all that. but of course i kind of know how to handle these kinds of things. if i come across a scene that i am not comfortable with, i can check with the dungeon monitor if it pleases me, and then move on. you know, the whole don’t watch it if i don’t want to see it. 

but the talk was extremly informative, so i pressed on and learned all i could. 

now the kink group hosting it was pretty cool, or so i thought. they even invited me to go to the munch they had arranged afterwards. 

and really, i went thinking nothing of it. it so happens that it was at a restraunt near the columbia mall, a place i was fairly comfortable with, so of course i chimmed in that i would love to go. 

on getting there, they made a comment about my feet being bare, but that was about it. then i get my drink and food, and basically get misgendered the whole time, and they were pretty rude about it too. 

but the cream of the crop was when the manager didn’t say a thing untill i was in the bathroom. she camped right at the door and made sure no one else entered. then, before i could wash my hands. she went and confronted me about my shoes. in the bathroom of all bloody places. 

i had a panic attack, and a ptsd flashback, a bad one. which had me totaly unhinged, and then of course got bad enough that i fled into the parking lot where i passed out inbetween a couple of cars.

it’s now two days later, and i am still shaking from it. i am still fucked up in the head from being cornered in the bathroom. being forced to become helpless again. and knowing the police didn’t even do anything about it. 

i’m probably going to be shaking for a few more days because of this crap. and i don’t even want to go outside right now. i’m fearing things i shouldn’t. 

Getting Used To Fibro

so i’ve been diagnosed, now what?

well, for me, it’s been getting it through my head that i am not going to be able to get rid of these symptoms for the rest of my life. one way or another, for the time being, it’s completely incurable. so i have to of course adjust things to try to get used to living with this invisible beast.

and it’s not easy, not in the least. as of right now, i know for a fact i can barely hold down a job of any kind. it irritates the hell out of me when i feel i should be able to get something, but find myself hitting my limits at every turn. and to get better, it means i have to get worse for the time being.

that getting better means pushing myself to the limits i have with physical activity, means i am going to be working on this for a long time… as of right now a 30 minute walk is enough to take the wind out of me. and if the sun is out, well, i’m a gonner. and that’s only the beginning of the physical side of things.

but what is the worst for me lately, would be the brain fog. it can take forever to get a sentence out, and sometimes it comes out wrong no matter how bad i try to get it right. that along with problems with names faces and such…well it’s a disaster in the making. there is a reason i was never good at public speaking. and my problems are at the top of the list.

and the worst part is that i will have to worry about other conditions developing, and how my meds might interact with this or that. how i might have to go to the er on a regular basis, and how i might have to spend more time trying to do anything about this.

to find out my family has a history of autoimmune diseases, well, it was also a shock. i really didn’t see it coming. i thought i might be the only one in on this. but no, there isn’t just a history of this in the family, it’s probably on both sides, and it’s a long one. one i don’t want to have to deal with. i would like to know, how does one know what they have, when half the conditions i could have overlap?

this is now my life, for better or worse, no matter what i think or want. and i will have to deal with it one day at a time. but there is always research going on, even if it isn’t the best right now. even if it’s a long way out. maybe someone can do something for me too.

but i guess for me, this is just a fact of life.

 

Just A Bikini Top

the other day i finaly got out in a bikini top, with nothing covering it up. and it’s not like it’s inconspicuous. it’s bright pink for crying out loud. but i did it, and i am proud of myself.

it’s a part of being trans that no one thinks about. the struggles of wearing the right clothes and not getting yelled at for it. immagine for a moment, that you were to wear something your gender normally wears. be it a bikini, or a well tailored suit, whatever.

but when you go out of the house that day in what you assumed was an alright thing to wear, everyone was staring at you. that’s right everyone. and when you passed close enough to hear, someone would be whispering just loud enough for you to hear.

what are they thinking? what did they do that for? eww why are they wearing that, it’s disgusting? such a pervert?

oh yeah, and the statements right up there above this paragraph? that’s the least of what you hear. i don’t even think i could type out some of the things i have heard. either because it was too nasty, or because i have blocked it out. and those would be the comments where you heard them, but they were not willing to directly confront you. yeah, it gets worse from there.

so think about how you would feel, if you had to go to the appropriate bathroom, and worry about getting beat up, assaulted, raped. but you didn’t have a choice, because using the other bathroom could result in the same. and imagine that everything in your closet was going to “upset” someone, or have them at the very least making some rather rude or disturbing comments.

but it gets so much worse from there. this is only the tip of the iceberg. this is where it starts. this is when you have a place to live, and money to spend on clothes.  imagine if you were homeless and trans.

i might live in a safe area, i might be in a place where it’s not too bad. i might not have to worry about my safety as much as others. but what about for those who do have to worry, what about them? what if you were in our shoes?

The Startling Conclusion.

I’ve finally gotten somewhere. Hell, I’ve even got some new meds that might help me sleep for once. And so far, they might be working!

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Yes, one night with this little white pill and I’m already feeling ever so slightly better. But of course some of it might be the fact that I’m just happy to have someone not telling me there is nothing wrong with me.

Yes I’ve been diagnosed with something. It’s called fibromyalgia, and let me tell you, it sucks in ways I can’t even imagine, let alone expect those without it to understand. But that’s what I’ve been doing. Expecting others to understand. And they don’t want to!

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I’ve had doctors tell me I’m just looking for meds and that I’m just looking for attention. Or that I’m just not sick enough.

But I go in on Monday, talk to a doctor in rheumatology, and get a diag and a prescription that day.

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I should be happy right?

Well, I had a severe anxiety attack and almost passed out in the bathroom. Then had my blood pressure checked, a few notes made, then got sent down to the er. Where they ran tests and such before sending me home. After having sat there for 7+hours.

Blood tests, x rays (for which the doctor was not informed I could barely keep myself upright), urine sample. You know, all the basics.

But hell, I decided to do my own research too. And what I found is astonishing. After hitting 2 lists, I’m missing several from some other diseases, but I hit nearly every one on the list for fibro! And have fibro meds that work.

I truly am amazed that I’ve finally got a description for my issues and a name for the beast that has been trying to beat me into the ground. It’s real, and not something I’ve made up for no reason.

Trust me, these are things I would ever want to fake. This is miserable.

Today I Walked Two Miles.

Yesterday I went out to historic ellicott city. And had a grand time walking around the different stores and such. Probably walked a good mile at least there. Up and down both sides of the street.

I even found this little place…

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Yup, cobblestone. I love the surface because everything is uneven, but smooth. And it really massages your feet for you too! Gotta love it!

As I said. I’ll sure be back there again, no doubt.

Then today, I somehow got it in my head to walk even further. I picked out a 7 11 nearby, and went for it. Turns out my body freaked out right before I got there, but I made it into the cool store barefoot! Yay, one mile down. Bought a few cans of Arizona tea, and headed back out after I caught my breath.

The second half wasn’t pleasant though. My body was just done, so I went from shadow to shadow as I walked along. Dinking one of my drinks as I walked. Bout hallway though I had to switch to my xeroshoes. There wasn’t a choice as my feet refused to take any more abuse.

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Not even so much dirty as they are beat up and sore.

But I made it. I haven’t done 2 miles in a day like this in forever. Of course I might have knocked myself out of commission for tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes!

Yay! 2 miles!

My First Pair Of Xeroshoes…

today, my first pair of zero shoes came in. i ordered a pair of pink ventures, and a pair of the diy kit, but without the extra hardware that the premades come with. 

 

and i have to say that they will do. they will certainly do. after of course i manage to get the tensions right on them and have them where they don’t dig into my skin the wrong way. but they are customizable, and i have already managed to get one of them set up right. it’s great that they can be adjusted soo easily, and if my love decides she doesn’t want to use the diy kit i got, then i’ll set those up in another lacing style for experimentation. 

but i’m loving how thin and light they are. sure, they aren’t all that much difference in weight from a pair of cheap flipflops, but really, they do feel sturdy to me, and they fit in my slingpack really well. though i might need to get a bigger pack some time if i can find one the right size.

they also leave my feet open, so i don’t really have the feeling of my feet being suffocated, which is certainly a good thing i would like to think. they are also thin enough that not only can my foot flex as if i wasn’t wearing a thing, but i can still feel a little bit of the larger details under my feet when i am walking. things like some of the larger stones are certainly noticeable. but they are far from painful like they would be without. and i have even tested them on some uncomfortably warm pavement, and would like to say that is one situation where i actualy wouldn’t mind wearing them. 

i’ve been on hot pavement barefoot in 100 degree plus weather, barefoot of course. it wasn’t what i would call fun at all. but it’s sure to raise some attention as you can’t ignore the burning sensation at all. luckily i have yet to get any blisters from my explorations. 

but i’ll probably look into decorating them, and then look at modifying them as i see fit. or if my sweets ends up not using the diy kit for herself, maybe i’ll look into aome experimentation with them to see what else i can do with them. 

The Religious Side Of Barefooting

i started barefooting for one reason or another. but in the end, one of the main reasons i really want to keep doing it is for my reasons that are a little more spiritual.

due to a bit of resistance, though nothing i could not work around. i have been thinking how much is too much, and how far back could i go without going counter to my beliefs.

and also, i figured i should flesh out my beliefs into writing as to clarify it into something i can use. as well as making sure i am not going beyond those beliefs into something that would be crazy instead.

first, i have to say i have thought about my beliefs, and have come to the conclusion that in regards to my spirituality, my beliefs have fallen into a couple of categories that i can look at most clearly.

those are…

as a buddhist, i look at it as something that keeps me in the moment. after all, there is nothing like a piece of gravel to pull you back into the moment with a sudden jarring notification by your body. but it is also about feeling the present moment around you and immersing yourself in a way you can’t do without shoes. i can constantly feel the ground under my feet. i have to listen to the ground and my body as i go through the world that is so rich and full of detail.

it also reminds me to take my time, and to go about my day in a sensible way. i can not rush in the same way i could before when i was wearing shoes. it means that i have to contemplate how to get around obstacles as i go about my day, and it prevents me from getting ahead of myself.

as a priestess of the goddess earth (yes, i consider myself a priestess some think it’s a little crazy, i got it. ) it means i am connected to her with my feet. i can commune with her in a way that rubber soles prevent.

and as it is, there is also grounding that connects me as well. it’s about electrons and such, but none of that matters as much as the feeling i get from running my toes through the grass as i walk out through a field. and the feeling of dirt under my feet. the roughness and the texture that most will always overlook.

simply put, it has opened my eyes in a way not much could. it has been quite the religious experience just with the way it has affected me. let alone when you factor in the whole religious side of my reasons. 

now to see, when do i have problems barefooting? there are only 3 times i have had problems, 4 if i want to count overwalking myself on tender feet. one is the sad fact of ubiquitous pavement. another is when going into stores, and the third is when i have to walk on certain kinds of gravel. 

overwalking is just a matter of pacing myself instead of trying to go the way i did with shoes. it’s just a matter of life. pavement is a matter of listening to my feet and being careful where i put them. as well as not standing still where i shouldn’t. certain kinds of gravel is the same thing. be careful and pay attention as my soles toughen up. 

the last however is something i can’t just work around so easily. and it all depends on how i badly i need to be somewhere. stores those necessary evils that i have to navigate once and a while. there’s something to be said about that line of thinking. 

so now, onto how far is too far back. obviously i can’t go back to full on shoes. the cush of them is the very thing that has driven me away from them. and their sizing is something that tears up my feet without a doubt and i have to get away from that.

most sandals are the same way. there is just too much between my feet and the ground, and they often have too much support

flip flops are just too thick and such. and squishy… ewww. there is also some minimal light evidence that they can be more dangerous than not. 

but i am looking into something that might be another way to look at this. it’s almost a philosophy with some, and i like to think i might as well give it a try. they are light and mobile enough to work.

xeroshoes, also called huaraches by some. and they might be something i can live with. it’s basically a backless glove for my feet, and it’s super thin. 4 and 5 mm for the pairs i am getting. all i have to do is figure out how often i can use them without having a fit, and how bad the disconnect is. they obviously allow my feet to move, and they allow for them to move more naturally. so i’ll have to see where i can get with them. 

the only part of it that they really fail in is that i am no longer in contact with the earth. and the fact they drown out the textures i would otherwise feel. maybe i can work around that too. maybe just maybe. but really, the only place i can usualy make contact with the earth is outside, and there i don’t need shoes. the textures on the other hand i would like to keep if i can. it’s a matter of necessity that shouldn’t be a problem. 

 

i’ve already accepted the risks, why are others so concerned…. oh yeah, lawsuits that are quite idiotic.